comb over

on my swift walk over to get some groceries, 

i happened to pass by a prestigious senior living center. 

the soft pink building is in the heart of westwood,

and you can't miss it. 

decorated in christmas spirit and the landscape well groomed,

this place was almost extravagant and flawless.

as i was in awe of the cutting-edge trim of the bush, 

an unforgettable image was stamped in my heart.

in between the greenery, someone's head peeked  out.

so white, so thin, and so perfectly straight-- 

you can see where the teeth of the comb had brushed over the hair.

it was a comb over on top of grandpa's head.

you might laugh, but a massive train of thought hit me

to reflect on circle of life.

he could barely move-

i guess he was just taking a nice breather and 

feeling the eminent winter breeze (although it was mild-- we are in CA afterall)...

the nurse came out to take him back inside 

and i noticed that he literally needed the nurse's help to move his leg, move his arms.

he was just blinking... quietly and slowly started to look up to meet her gaze. 

it all happened so quickly, because like i said earlier... i was swiftly on my way to TJ.

but i kept thinking and thinking about what i just saw. 

in order to live in that senior care housing, you have to be rich...

i saw a commercial on that property long ago-- and it was costly. 

so that means... he has money or his family has money.

then i started to think WHY was he not with his family?

are they all gone? did his children not want to take care of him?

were they overwhelmed by his immobility? 

maybe he wanted to stay there? or was he forced in there?

whatever the reason may be, 

i became sad at the cycle of life. 

he probably had a job, had a family, 

had a time where everything went well for him. 

or not. i don't know. it's all in past tense.

but what i do know is,

he is old... and alone.

i guess Job was right when he said
"naked i came from my mother's womb, 

and naked i will depart"

as the comb over grandpa is reaching his life's destination, 

he is alone...

then, this made me think about 

two things...

1. what can i do to live a life not so lonely when i depart this world?

2. if it is within my ability, i will care for my parents and my husband's parents

instead of sending them off to senior care center...

to address the very first topic,

i realized this can be resolved in two part ways. 

first part...

i won't be as sad and lonely if i was certain of where i'll be when i depart this world. 

well, i have that paved out.

i believe. i am saved. i am going to heaven!

the second part is...

i need to be a good person.

where my peers, family members, children, 

will want to be around me...

 i need to show love

i need to be as less burdensome as i can be

i need to bring joy unto others.

i guess... i've got to figure out how to execute that still...

hopefully, the wisdom to achieve this will come with time and age...

and to move onto my second train...

our parents birthed us, raised us...cared for us...

did everything in their power to cater to us...

when do we ever pay them back?

of course, all the nurturing and loving came unconditionally from our parents...

but isn't it rightful to express gratitude?

i think the best way to express it

is not when we are successful or earn a lot of money

but when we love them as they did when we were babies...

when they lose the ability to care for themselves, like a baby.

although not sure how my life will pan out, 

but i promised myself.. that if it ever came down, 

i will willingly take in my parents and my husband's parents

and care for them and show them love.

it's funny how an image of a comb over

brought in this long train of thought, 

but i thought it was worthwhile to share...

because we all grow old...

we'll all be there...

right?

g.i.v.e. t.h.a.n.k.s.

thank you God for my family

thank you God for my boyfriend

thank you God for skimo

thank you God for granting me life

let me live to honor you

thank you God for my job

thank you God for my health

thank you God for sustaining me

let me live to praise your name

thank you God for Jesus

thank you God for salvation

thank you God for calling me your own

thank you God for saving me

let me live to glorify you

thank you...

thank you...

thank you...

생각

구주를 생각만 해도 
내 맘이 좋거든 
주 얼굴 뵈올 때에야 
얼마나 좋으랴 

u n c e r t a i n t y

"My momma always said, 

'Life was like a box of chocolates. 

You never know what you're gonna get.'" 

- Forrest Gump

just a couple years past the quarter life mark,

i find myself wrapped up in a blanket of frustration

mainly caused by the lack of direction of my career. 

right now, i have a valuable job as an administrative specialist

at one of the most renowned higher education universities.

but at the end of the day,

i feel empty because i realize that 

i  can do so much better with the talents under my belt. 

upon graduation from college, 

i thought i wanted to be a PA. then i switched to nursing. then i realized optometry was what i wanted. then i noticed that it's not exactly what i pictured... so i figured physical therapy was the solution. then i applied and didn't get in. 

if it was my true passion, i would have applied again and again until i made it in. 

but something was ringing in my heart, saying that it's not for me. 

so here i am again...
back to point zero.

did i not pray hard enough?
am i just not meant for higher education?
do i give up?
do i try again?

the more uncertainty that builds up in my heart, 
the more cluttered my mind becomes
and the more i can't seem to envision myself
in the light that i dreamed of.

with much thinking, tossing and turning, and soul searching, 
i've come to realize that
the only way to overcome my frustrations at the uncertainty of life
is to to embrace the spontaneity and precariousness of life.

i think this is where faith comes in.
come what may 
i know God has a plan for me
i just need to trust in Him
 in His faithfullness
in His goodness
in His timing.
just trust
God.

because God designed my very life
into perfection, using my weaknesses
to bring glory unto himself.

need i not be anxious or worried.
or frustrated for that matter.

let's see what type of chocolate i'll choose next 
in the delicate box of chocolate 
that God purposefully and intentionally
placed in my life. 

now, whatever it may be anna, 
just enjoy it. 
enjoy the first bite.
enjoy the cover,
enjoy the filling,
enjoy the flavor,
enjoy the texture,
enjoy the aftertaste.

and remember to thank Him.