comb over

on my swift walk over to get some groceries, 

i happened to pass by a prestigious senior living center. 

the soft pink building is in the heart of westwood,

and you can't miss it. 

decorated in christmas spirit and the landscape well groomed,

this place was almost extravagant and flawless.

as i was in awe of the cutting-edge trim of the bush, 

an unforgettable image was stamped in my heart.

in between the greenery, someone's head peeked  out.

so white, so thin, and so perfectly straight-- 

you can see where the teeth of the comb had brushed over the hair.

it was a comb over on top of grandpa's head.

you might laugh, but a massive train of thought hit me

to reflect on circle of life.

he could barely move-

i guess he was just taking a nice breather and 

feeling the eminent winter breeze (although it was mild-- we are in CA afterall)...

the nurse came out to take him back inside 

and i noticed that he literally needed the nurse's help to move his leg, move his arms.

he was just blinking... quietly and slowly started to look up to meet her gaze. 

it all happened so quickly, because like i said earlier... i was swiftly on my way to TJ.

but i kept thinking and thinking about what i just saw. 

in order to live in that senior care housing, you have to be rich...

i saw a commercial on that property long ago-- and it was costly. 

so that means... he has money or his family has money.

then i started to think WHY was he not with his family?

are they all gone? did his children not want to take care of him?

were they overwhelmed by his immobility? 

maybe he wanted to stay there? or was he forced in there?

whatever the reason may be, 

i became sad at the cycle of life. 

he probably had a job, had a family, 

had a time where everything went well for him. 

or not. i don't know. it's all in past tense.

but what i do know is,

he is old... and alone.

i guess Job was right when he said
"naked i came from my mother's womb, 

and naked i will depart"

as the comb over grandpa is reaching his life's destination, 

he is alone...

then, this made me think about 

two things...

1. what can i do to live a life not so lonely when i depart this world?

2. if it is within my ability, i will care for my parents and my husband's parents

instead of sending them off to senior care center...

to address the very first topic,

i realized this can be resolved in two part ways. 

first part...

i won't be as sad and lonely if i was certain of where i'll be when i depart this world. 

well, i have that paved out.

i believe. i am saved. i am going to heaven!

the second part is...

i need to be a good person.

where my peers, family members, children, 

will want to be around me...

 i need to show love

i need to be as less burdensome as i can be

i need to bring joy unto others.

i guess... i've got to figure out how to execute that still...

hopefully, the wisdom to achieve this will come with time and age...

and to move onto my second train...

our parents birthed us, raised us...cared for us...

did everything in their power to cater to us...

when do we ever pay them back?

of course, all the nurturing and loving came unconditionally from our parents...

but isn't it rightful to express gratitude?

i think the best way to express it

is not when we are successful or earn a lot of money

but when we love them as they did when we were babies...

when they lose the ability to care for themselves, like a baby.

although not sure how my life will pan out, 

but i promised myself.. that if it ever came down, 

i will willingly take in my parents and my husband's parents

and care for them and show them love.

it's funny how an image of a comb over

brought in this long train of thought, 

but i thought it was worthwhile to share...

because we all grow old...

we'll all be there...

right?

g.i.v.e. t.h.a.n.k.s.

thank you God for my family

thank you God for my boyfriend

thank you God for skimo

thank you God for granting me life

let me live to honor you

thank you God for my job

thank you God for my health

thank you God for sustaining me

let me live to praise your name

thank you God for Jesus

thank you God for salvation

thank you God for calling me your own

thank you God for saving me

let me live to glorify you

thank you...

thank you...

thank you...

생각

구주를 생각만 해도 
내 맘이 좋거든 
주 얼굴 뵈올 때에야 
얼마나 좋으랴 

u n c e r t a i n t y

"My momma always said, 

'Life was like a box of chocolates. 

You never know what you're gonna get.'" 

- Forrest Gump

just a couple years past the quarter life mark,

i find myself wrapped up in a blanket of frustration

mainly caused by the lack of direction of my career. 

right now, i have a valuable job as an administrative specialist

at one of the most renowned higher education universities.

but at the end of the day,

i feel empty because i realize that 

i  can do so much better with the talents under my belt. 

upon graduation from college, 

i thought i wanted to be a PA. then i switched to nursing. then i realized optometry was what i wanted. then i noticed that it's not exactly what i pictured... so i figured physical therapy was the solution. then i applied and didn't get in. 

if it was my true passion, i would have applied again and again until i made it in. 

but something was ringing in my heart, saying that it's not for me. 

so here i am again...
back to point zero.

did i not pray hard enough?
am i just not meant for higher education?
do i give up?
do i try again?

the more uncertainty that builds up in my heart, 
the more cluttered my mind becomes
and the more i can't seem to envision myself
in the light that i dreamed of.

with much thinking, tossing and turning, and soul searching, 
i've come to realize that
the only way to overcome my frustrations at the uncertainty of life
is to to embrace the spontaneity and precariousness of life.

i think this is where faith comes in.
come what may 
i know God has a plan for me
i just need to trust in Him
 in His faithfullness
in His goodness
in His timing.
just trust
God.

because God designed my very life
into perfection, using my weaknesses
to bring glory unto himself.

need i not be anxious or worried.
or frustrated for that matter.

let's see what type of chocolate i'll choose next 
in the delicate box of chocolate 
that God purposefully and intentionally
placed in my life. 

now, whatever it may be anna, 
just enjoy it. 
enjoy the first bite.
enjoy the cover,
enjoy the filling,
enjoy the flavor,
enjoy the texture,
enjoy the aftertaste.

and remember to thank Him.

-3+2+1=Blessed

  

Psalm 1:1-4

¹ Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

just before the start of morning rush in the midst of los angeles traffic hour,

i took some time to pray and eat breakfast, as i read over some Scripture. 

despite the city-life turbulence in my heart and mind, 

i was able to calm myself to wholly focus on my body and soul,

as i briefly prayed for the day, 

ate the hearty pumpkin jook i made,  

and perused through the Bible. 

it was a calm start of the day, 

it felt fresh. 

it's been a while since i took time to relax, sit back and enjoy the moment. 

this compelled me to flip through my Bible to psalms 1. 

the first word of psalms 1 caught my eyes, 

blessed.

 what does it mean, to be blessed?

the dictionary tells me blessed means:

made holy, consecrated, connected with God.

what does it mean to ME, to be blessed?

i noticed that some people find this word as a replacement for lucky. 

does it mean happy? satisfaction?

blessed always meant as a result of something being done unto me. 

when i have a good family, i am blessed. 

when i am healthy, i am blessed. 

when i have a good job, i am blessed. 

when i have a loving boyfriend, i am blessed. 

when i have a lot of money, i am blessed.

when i have food on my table, i am blessed. 

and the list goes on. 

but what i realized today is that being blessed  as a result of something being done unto me

is quite temporary and ephemeral. 

family, health, job, boyfriend, money, food...

these things don't last forever.

the psalmist tells me of a blessed life 
that is not a result, 
but is an act in season, 

cyclical, continuous, and never ending. 

the formula is pretty clear:

-3+2+1= blessed

now, let me elaborate on my nerdy math-scripture reference. 

as you know, negative (-) refers to  something i should NOT DO 

positive (+) refers to something i should DO.

here we go.

Blessed =

-3:

does not

walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers

+2:

do delight

 in the law of the Lord

(i counted delighting in the law of the Lord as 2 because
we need to delight in obeying the law, not just any law, 
but the law that is of God. law + Lord=2)

+1:

do meditate

on his law day and night

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 if you've ever planted a fruit tree, you'll notice that when it's in perfect condition, 
it never dies. 
with perfect water, air, warmth, light, and soil, 
it will continue to blossom flowers, 
bear fruit
in it's season, 
in time. 

for those of us who practice the BLESSED formula 
by not walking, standing and sitting with the wicked, 
but by delighting and meditating on the righteousness, 
the blessed life will come to fruition.
every season, 
in His perfect timing. 

because the Creator God watches over the righteous. 
when we need the physical, emotional, and spiritual
 water, air, warmth, light and soil, 
He will watch over us
and provide that for us. 

what a tremendous comfort that filled my spirit this morning!
thought i'd share it with you too.

in my heart

all throughout this week, 

this verse, 

"i have hidden your word in my heart that i might not sin against you"

resonated in my heart and in my ears. 

while driving, sleeping, eating, facebooking... 

hmm... when this happens, usually God's trying to tell me something. 

i shamefully admit that these days,

i've been a sunday christian. 

my passion, fervor, adoration, love and worship for God 

has been lukewarm and mediocre. 

it's one of those phases, where i know it will pass, 

and i know exactly how to get back on track. 

prayer.

reading the word. 

meditating.

inviting the Holy spirit into my life, heart, thoughts, mind, body and soul. 

easier said than done...

i've been in this spiritual slump.. since.. 

i don't even remember...

then, something hit me like a lightening bolt; 

i have hidden your word in my heart.

i have hidden your word in my heart. 

I HAVE HIDDEN YOUR WORD IN MY HEART.

I HAVE HIDDEN YOUR WORD IN MY HEART. 

realization #1

i cannot do that with my own strength. 

i've been failing to do this 

because i've been leaning on my own strength and will power to do this.

despite my best intentions, my heart still wanders away from this very method.  

i must ask, continually ask, the Lord to help me faithfully and proactively

hide the Word of God in my heart. 

this way... i will not sin against my God. 

realization #2

it's His word in my heart. 

none that are mine, in my heart. 

my utter wish is 

that i will heed to the discipline and instruction of the Lord

operate according to the word of God, which is living and active. 

that i turn to scripture for comfort, guidance and understanding.

that i recognize it's the source of hope, joy and true riches. 

that i develop hearts of wisdom that comes from the Lord and not of this world.

and that i abide in Christ and His ways.

realization #3

i must hide it in my heart because

God does not look at the outward appearance but looks the heart. 

i may fake being a faithful christian

by serving with unfailing dedication at church

but i cannot fake what's in my heart. 

if my heart is filled with His word,

and not with my filthy, sinful desires and thoughts,

i won't be ashamed before God. 

realization #4

in order for me to hide it, 

i must place it deep inside my heart. 

no one hides something by putting it on a shallow surface, where it's visible. 

hiding means, it's placed in a location, where it's nowhere to be seen. 

this is it! 

i must hide His Word in my heart

so that Satan cannot find my hope, strength, purity

and this way, i won't sin against God. 

how can i do this?

i must bury it deep, deep in my heart. 

the more i meditate on it,

the more impressed it will be, 

deep into my heart. 

 "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to YOUR WORD. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden YOUR WORD in my heart that I might not sin against you. "

~ Psalm 119:9-11

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Please receive instruction from His mouth and establish His words in your heart.

~ Job 22:22

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. IMPRESS THEM ON YOUR CHILDREN. TALK ABOUT THEM when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. TIE THEM as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. WRITE THEM on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

~ Deuteronomy 6:5-9

i am blessed

i am blessed

because i am saved. 

i am blessed 

because He knows my name. 

i am blessed

because He is my Father, my Healer, my God.

i am blessed

because Jesus is my best friend. 

i am blessed

because i have a father who feeds me with the Word of God. 

i am blessed 

because i have a mother who prays for me without ceasing. 

i am blessed

because my little brother is also my best friend.

i am blessed 

because i am loved by the one that i love.

i am blessed

because i have friendships that will last.

i am blessed

 because i am a proud mama of a handsome pup.

i am blessed 

because i am healthy. 

i am blessed

because i have a vision and a dream. 

i am blessed

because i can serve God.

i am blessed

because i enjoy my job.

i am blessed

because my count for blessings are endless.

even when i think all is bad, 

even when i am down,

and

even when i feel like

all has failed me,

 

i am still blessed 

indeed.

Numbers 6:24-26
"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."